In The Moment

Sometimes I have a hard time staying in the moment and paying attention to what's in front of me.

My mind is often pulled in a hundred different directions.

Most moments are fleeting, they only last a second or two, 

and we can miss so many when we aren't paying attention.

The interesting thing is,
my mind is the only thing that tries to bring to life what isn't there.  

What doesn't need my attention.

I have a way to help me stay present, in addition to sitting on the cushion. 

Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy.  All I have to do is remember.

When I'm watching Z and Bodhi play, a smile pass their lips, my name being called, 

I can center myself by meditating on what's in front of me.  

I can breathe in and out and say to myself or aloud, especially to Bodhi,
"I am watching Z play."  

"I am chopping carrots.  

Feel the smooth hard skin and knife as it pushes through.  

Listen to the knife hit the board.  

Watch them fall.  

Smell the earthy fresh fragrance of newly pulled carrots.  

It tastes so good.  

Want one?"  

"We're walking upstairs.
Let's change your diaper.

I'm laying you down.  

I'm taking your diaper off.  

I am putting on a new diaper.  

Let's go back downstairs."

The funny thing is I learned mostly from talking to the boys.  

I always try to describe the world to Bodhi, as I did Z when he was a babe.  

I still have to help Z find the words or notice his feelings.

It helps me just as much as them.

It helps me not make the situation more than it is, as I often can.
It helps me to not focus on what I don't need to be doing or thinking about.

It's funny how often I find myself noticing so many feelings and extraneous thoughts.

It feels good when I give my full attention, which is giving all my love.
It's the best gift I have.

What Gets My Attention?

I have to pick myself up and dust myself off.  Sometimes, again and again.

I've been in a funk lately and having a hard time pulling myself out of it.

There's no time like now to ask myself what needs to change.  Some things take a ton of my time, some only a little, but lots of little things can add up to a lot!

Lately, most days I feel pulled in a hundred different directions and spreading myself thin.  I'm not a great multi-tasker.  It does no one any good.  How can anyone give their full attention to more than one thing?  It's hard with two children.  Harder than I ever imagined.

I also get overwhelmed when I think of all the different hats that I wear.  Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing 20 hats at once.  That's enough weight to pull anyone down.

I am working hard, paying attention to where my energy goes and what matters.  If I add the right things to my plate the rest won't fit.

Noticing it is the first step...

I'm pretty good about following my daily rituals.  My little pauses bring such gratitude to our day.

I'm always learning how to connect with and guide Z, and Bodhi, and give my full attention.

I'm trying to breathe and think before I speak or yell.  Sometimes it happens so fast!

I'm getting my butt on the cushion every day.  Even if my name is called, I figure five minutes is better than no minutes.

I want to make a little art or create something fun everyday, with myself and with Z.

I'm slowly taking more time for myself here and there.

I'm slowly learning how to ask for help.

I'm slowly learning how to let go more and more of the things that don't matter.

I'm slowly diving further into the things and people that do matter.

I'm slowly learning how to let go of others' judgements, sooner than later.

I'm unsubscribing more and more.

I'm checking Facebook and e-mail less and less.  

I'm leaving my phone inside or in the other room.

I'm stopping reading so many damn parenting articles.  (By the way, up yours, Time Magazine.  I am just a mama.)

I'm going back to reading more offline than online.

I write only when I have something to say to or remind myself.

I want to write more letters.

I want to journal more.

I'm thinking about who I spend my time with.

I'm working out ways to spend more time with each of the boys alone.

I'm thinking about how to spend some time alone with Daddy.  I can't even remember the last time we hung out without the kids.

I'm my harshest critic and I need to be more kind to myself.

In the words of the beautiful Karen Maezen Miller, "Attention is the most concrete expression of love.  What you pay attention to thrives.  What you do not pay attention to withers and dies."  

What are you paying attention to?

Magnitude

Not a day passes that sorrow doesn't seep deep into my bones.

Stories from those that I love, near and far, known and unknown, or the news can break a heart and tenderize it at the same time.  It's those cracks that allow the love to flow.

It broke my heart when Z got hurt, my mind is still unsettled from that.

My dog-niece was buried next to Paco this weekend.  The mother of his children.

A close friend's father passed away from a freak accident.

The news in Austin alone continues to astound me with it's growing violence and sadness.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

It makes me wonder what kind of world I brought children into.  It makes me cry when I think of the pain that they will endure in their lifetime.  I imagine that parents have pondered this for millennia.

Above all, it makes me realize the magnitude of the job of a parent and what examples I set.

Truth be told, they let me know every day what I should and shouldn't be doing.

It's up to me to show my children love, compassion and respect, so that they may give the same to others.

It's up to me to be kind and gentle, so that everyone receives the same touch from them.

It's up to me to forgive, so that the trespasses and pains others bring may be forgiven.  And so that they can forgive themselves.  We all make mistakes and do things we regret.

It's up to me to be patient, so that they can tolerate everyone and not get so frustrated.

It's up to me to be fearless, so that they may go beyond their fears and learn what they are capable of.

It's up to me to be generous, so that they learn to give and never expect in return.

It's up to me to give them all that I have, love, time and resources, so that they may experience the world in ways that Daddy and I did or didn't.

It's up to me to listen to them, so that they listen to others.

But when it comes down to it, children already encompass all these traits from birth.  Sometimes they forget them, begin to test them, or see alternate examples, but they lie in the heart of each and everyone of us.

It's up to me to remind them that they can remain well into adulthood.

I am so grateful that they have taught and reminded me of so many things, which in turn reminds me that I too teach them.

I Don't Want to Rush

"If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made… How many other things are we missing as we rush through life?"

How often do you actually "stop to smell the roses"?  

We do often.  

Having kids reminds me to do this more often than ever before.  

I think it's important to take time to see what's in front of us and pay attention to simple joys and things. I hope to teach my children that they can and should stop, linger, see, hear, smell, taste, feel what's in front of them.  

Don't rush past it.  

Don't always be in a hurry.  

Make the time.

There is enough time.  

There's always time.  

I don't want them to miss what's in front of them, like the people in this video.  They couldn't take five minutes to listen to the beautiful music?  I wonder why.  It makes me sad.

Children notice the most simple and beautiful things and they will bring you into their world.  

I am grateful for my children who remind me to stop. 

Look and pick up that beautiful leaf.  Talk about it.

Stop and watch the lights twinkle.  

Smell the dinner on the stove.  Observe how it sizzles and pops.  Let your mouth water.  Taste it.

See how they rearranged the magnets.  There's a whole world right in front of you. 

Play with your shadow.

Just watch their face.

"Be here now."

Last week I wrote a note above my kitchen sink, where I spend plenty of time.  

It says "STOP.  Say yes."

Yes, I think I will.  

You Made Me Cry

I was so excited all week.  In the three years that Z has been on this planet I never asked anyone to do family portraits until a few weeks ago.  Today was the day my friend was coming over to do a little photo-shoot for us.

I didn't expect too much but I anticipated awesomeness and sillyness.  Just for fun, I imagined us being goofy outside, tickling, hugging, kissing each other and being, well, like we usually are.  I pictured in my head Z holding Bodhi and taking the cutest brother shots in front of the Christmas tree.  This was going to be fun and I'd end up with oodles of rad photos.

I bought a little Santa outfit for Bodhi and decided Z's new green plaid shirt would be cute with a pair of little dude jeans.  He decided to wear his little cowboy boots.  Perfect!  Hey, even I got to dress up for once!  I pulled out one of my favorite black skirts with a sheer layer embroidered with gold and sequins and a cute little black top.  I felt good.  I vacuumed the carpet slapped on a thin layer of lipstick with gold shimmer-the only make-up I own.  Then busted out some of my Grandmother's old fabric for a makeshift tree skirt.  Yay!

We were in the middle of playing when the doorbell rang.  We were in good spirits and had been all morning.  Z did have a little runny nose but nothing else.  Kids always have little runny noses.

She began setting up her stuff and Z was a little antsy.  I thought, oh, he'll calm down and get into it.  He loves being silly.  Nothing struck me as particularly odd.

We sit down in front of the tree and he just doesn't want to.  "Hey, you want to hold an ornament?"  No.  "You want to sit like this?"  No.  "Can you do this?!"  No.  "Look at this funny face!!  Can you make one!?"  No.  Hmmm.  He seemed to just want to be in control and do what he wanted.  Not too untypical but usually something gets him to play along eventually.  Try after try yielded nothing but a little frustration.  So she suggested we go sit outside since it was nice and cool.

We head outside and she plops down a cute little chair and shoots away as Z sits down.  Awesome!  This will work.  This will be fun.

Then she suggests he sits with Bodhi.  He doesn't want to.  I sit down and she gets a few shots and then I stood up.  For some reason Z got angry and threw her little chair and yelled something about not wanting to sit with Bodhi.  He broke the chair!!  I was so sad and obviously embarrassed.  I told him that was rude and it made me mad and sad.  If he didn't want to take pictures he could go sit on the porch.  I figured in a few minutes he'd want to come have fun.  I apologized.  As far as I'm concerned, whatever she says, I owe her a little chair!

We head to another spot in the yard and Z heads there with us.  Same problem.  He's not interested and starting to get rude.  She even tried to help pose him.  I got a car to play with thinking he'd like to hold it.  I had no perfect picture in mind, just us!  Car or not.

He runs off.  He screams that he doesn't want to.  No no no no no.  Nothing works.  He's just being rude, not silly at all.  Maybe I should have asked him to go sit on the porch again.

We take pictures of me and Bodhi.  He comes back.  Then leaves again.  Then repeats this a few times.  He doesn't want her little boy, D playing on his tractor.  D walks off like "fine, whatever."  Z refuses to have fun with us.

She decides to take some pictures of Bodhi on an awesome old sheepskin my Aunt gave me while I talked with Z.  I just wanted him to have fun with us.  I was confused.  I didn't want to over-think it, but I couldn't figure it out or what was going on in his little head.  I really didn't want him to be so rude or mad.  And I wanted pictures.  But I wanted them to be fun pictures.  Not coerced and like he had to.

I bribed him with a surprise, hot chocolate and finally opening a present to get him into take a picture in front of the tree.

We get in and he wants to open the present immediately.  Yeah, I bet!  He finally understands that that is the prize for the picture.  Geez, I just did that?  Yes, I did.  We got the pictures but he wasn't as happy as I had hoped about the whole thing.

Just before she left, we planned on getting together another time to hang out again.  All was good between us.

We walked inside and I teared up.  Z just didn't care about how I felt and that made me more sad and I started to get angry.  "I want my hot cocoa!!!  You said I could have hot cocoa!!"  I told him I did say that so please take off his boots and sit down and I'd get it ready.  I told him I was sad he broke her chair and he was rude.  I told him I was mad about the way he acted.  The only reason he was getting hot cocoa was because I said he could but I didn't think he deserved it.  I refuse to be a liar.

He sat down to have a snack and hot cocoa and Bodhi fell asleep.  I laid him down and came back to Z.  I was still pretty pissed off but he said he was cold and wanted me to hold him.  It seemed to be his way of making nice.  So we cuddled and he fell asleep.  He was tired.  He had over-stressed himself out for some reason.

Maybe it was the runny nose.  Maybe it was being three.  Maybe it was asking him to do so many things.  Maybe it was being a new brother.  Maybe it was me.  Who really knows.  I wish I did though.

Today was just different.  It really bothers me when he gets rude.  And by rude I don't mean doesn't cooperate and do what I say.  I mean showing a total lack of respect towards me and being mean.  I mean throwing things out of anger.  I mean saying rude things.

It's not about me controlling him.  It's about finding a happy medium.  Today I couldn't do it and I felt like a total failure.  He made me feel like an asshole because I was so mad at him.  I wanted to yell.  But if I overreact and yell it makes it worse.

I feel lost when it comes to discipline.  Maybe that's a lot of the problem.  I wasn't disciplined a lot as a kid.  I just want to for him to learn more self control.  (Yes, I realize he's three but not all kids seem to get as rude as he can, or am I imagining that?)  The only way he will is through me, really us and the adults in his life too.  I firmly believe in do as I do is the only way to teach.  Not do as I say.

All in all, I figure that not over-reacting is best.  I suppose by being a role model and showing him how to handle stress peacefully and speaking to him kindly and patiently is all I can do for now.  Every now and then time-outs are in order too.  But I wonder every day if I'm doing enough and hope that he can grow out of this pissy little phase.

I'd love to hear from you.
What are your experiences with three year olds?
What do you expect of a three year old?
What do you do differently?

Through His Eyes

As a parent it's easy to get caught up in what we think we need to be doing.  It's easy to get frustrated at the "mess" that surrounds us every minute.  Of course thoughts pop into my head then I try and see it through his eyes and really needs to be done -play together and give him my attention.  I am eternally grateful for being taught to slow down, be in the moment and let things go.

I see the carpet needs vacuuming.
He sees confetti, sparkles, and color everywhere.

I see toys thrown off the table and they need to be picked up.
He sees the earthquake.  It's there on purpose.

I see twenty books on the floor.
He sees choices to sort through.

I see five ornaments clumped together.
He sees "friends".

I see a deathtrap on the stairs.
He sees a mountain racetrack.

I see marker all over him.
He sees Mad Tiger.

I see filthy tub water.
He sees an ocean of possibility.

This is why I let it be and clean when they go to sleep.  Yes, we pick up little by little together too and I get some stuff done bit by bit.  But making the mess is way more fun than demanding a perfect house from minute to minute.  We're all the happier for it.

And like magic we start all over again the next day.

Beginner's Mind

“In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few”.

Shunryu Suzuki

I never really got this until we had our first son (little boy number two is due in July). Every single moment he opens my eyes and helps me see that everything is new moment to moment and there isn't always a "right" way to do something. You don't have to have a goal or fixed plan every time you set out to do something -just the experience is enough.

Every time I experience something with Z, I see the wonder in his heart and it opens me a little more each time. I release my expectations and go with the flow (yes, of course, I have to remind myself over and over, but that's part of the journey). We may hear the same song 100 times but every time is the first. We may paint a picture but every one we begin anew. We may go to the same park but each visit is different. We may take a bath but every time there are new possibilities and things to discover and play with. Everything we do it's a first time for him again because every moment is new and he has no idea that he's supposed to be doing anything but be immersed in the experience.

I am so grateful that Z teaches me so much. He helps me to realize that I have the ability to change the way I see things even if I can't change the things I see. We all do.

************************************

I am also eternally grateful to Karen Maezen Miller, author of Momma Zen. I found her book a few months into my pregnancy with Z and soon after peeked within. I could hardly put it down. In fact, I still crack it open and have read it again, cover-to-cover, since being pregnant again. Her perfect words spring forth like renewed water from an everlasting spring that all us mamas have access to, especially when we open up our minds and hearts. Through tears and smiles she helped open me a little more and realize my beginner's mind. I have it in me to be a mama, all on my own, without all the expert's advice. She helped me to trust myself more and let go of most of my expectations and worries. I didn't hardly touch other books about mamahood and pregnancy because somehow I began to trust myself and recognize my beginner's mind. We all have it, especially us mamas.

Frustration

It's always my choice to let my frustration or anger stew into an ugly mess of sulking or self pity. Or I can let it go.

Z reminds me of this every day. As a two and a half year old kid it has become his job to test the world, and that includes me and my ego. Some days it's tipping over the toy shelf three times in a row, climbing the pantry in search of the treat he can't have two of or breaking my favorite knick-knack from Disney World. He's not usually being "bad", he's just figuring out the world, cause and effect, has an idea, or he's pushing his limits. Don't we all?

So it's up to me to be aware that every moment is new and we can move from frustration or anger to OK and let the it go. It's OK if I let it loom just enough to make me think about why I'm really frustrated, how I reacted or how I could have prevented the mess. Eventually, for goodness sakes, it's got to be let go. Sooner rather than later is always best. Of course there's the ugly word discipline that sometimes has to rear it's head, that's a given as a parent. Eventually I realize that all in all, within a few minutes, the deed is done, the point is made and it's all OK. Sometimes it takes noticing that he's moved forward and is over it, he understands my point (as much as he can at this age) and I'm the one sitting there stewing. It's good for no one.

So, that's my lesson for myself today -let the frustration or anger go when it's all over, don't let it loom.

Now if I can just practice this more often.

I'm working on it.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Children deserve as much respect as any person. Their feelings are just as important as ours and they trust us to listen to them, guide them and help them. When we give a child the attention that he or she deserves we teach them mindfulness and that everyone's opinions and feelings count (even if you don't agree with them).

Mindfulness is paying attention. Mindfulness is also taking care of what is right in front of you, tending to it and nurturing it. As a great teacher told me this weekend, "Mindfulness is a floodlight." It is not just a spotlight. We have to see the big picture with big mind, not just what we want to see with our small mind.

When Z gets upset it reminds me to stop dead in my tracks and give him the respect he deserves. Even when his anger or sadness is inconvenient (say in the middle of the grocery store or when I am cooking), he deserves respect and attention. When I fail to give it to him it blows up in both of our faces and we both feel worse. Respect begets trust and shows love - that is what being a parent is all about.

I think I should try this with the big folks too.

Not right now

On the morning of Z's second birthday we went downstairs to a room of presents. He immediately slam dunked the basketball into the goal and smacked the soccer goal until it shouted, "GOAL!!!" He didn't even notice the wrapped presents on the table until we pointed them out. He opened one that contained Hot Wheels and sat to play cars. After a few minutes we asked him, "Ready to open another one?!" His reply was simple and meaningful, "Not right now. I'm busy."

How many times do we adults want to hop onto the next task or next present without fully appreciating the one right in front of us? Too often.

The presents sat there until after dinner and birthday cake.

I love that grateful little man.