The Hot Cocoa Incident of 2012

A friend passed down this camo outfit.  It finally fits!

Last night, Z wanted to go outside as the sun was setting, right as dinnertime was approaching, and Daddy was about to be home.  I suggested that we eat dinner, and go have a special hot cocoa night outside.  We could run around and play during the super cold dark night.  Sounds awesome, right?

He was stoked!

Dad came home, "Dad!!  It's Daddy-dude night and we're going to have hot cocoa outside!!!!"

These are the things we remember as children, the special things we do together as a family.

We ate dinner then I got our clothes ready.  Of course, even though he wanted to go out, didn't want to get dressed.  I reminded him a few times as I warmed the milk, and finally he was dressed.  Yes!

He asked which cup was his.  I asked which one he wanted.  I smiled and pointed, "That's your cup."

Our special Christmas hot cocoa mugs

The curious four-year old that he is, of course he grabbed it to look at it.  I wasn't looking, and hot cocoa went everywhere.  I guess I forgot to tell him his cup was full of cocoa.  Oops.  It splashed from his face, to his toes, into a puddle at his feet, down the counter, on the counter, and hit every dish on the way down.  Thankfully, it wasn't super hot.

He was devastated.  He was covered in cocoa, and of course thought he had lost all his cocoa to top that off.  Immediately, tears welled in his eyes, and I just saw the sadness.  I could feel my heart ache for him.  "My cocoa!!!  Now I don't have any more cocoa!!!  And it's all over me.  Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!"

I got down to him, "It's okay.  It's just an accident."  (A really sucky, super messy accident, but an accident)  "Take your shirt off.  Go get a new one.  I'll clean this up.  It's okay."  I smiled.  Tears continued to well up, and it just broke my heart.  He took a deep breath.

Daddy came in and witnessed the mess.  I could see the frustration.  I explained that it was an accident. He didn't want to go outside, "He doesn't even seem to want to go out.  Why are you pushing this?"

I knew he was tired and wanted to chill.  Deep breath.

"Because, he does want to go outside.  He just waiting on me to get the cocoa made, and get us ready, and then we'll go out."

He walked off to help Z find his coat, shaking his head and mumbling.  I just took a deep breath, and cleaned the mess, and it was a mess.

But that's what I do.  Mama Been: mess cleaner.

It was dang near Bodhi's bedtime by now, but he was feeling the energy and excited.

Finally, the cocoa was finished!

I snagged my coat, got Bodhi's on and we headed out.

They dashed out the door, ready to play under the stars on the wintery night.  I thought, "Bodhi doesn't even remember cold like this.  Damn, it's cold."

Bodhi was excited and ran for the bikes.  Z, my little dude with a sweet tooth, sat down for cocoa.

Itty bitty marshmallows.

Pretty tasty!

They were adorable, so bundled up, and so excited.  I took a few pictures.  I said to Daddy, "Keep an eye on Bodhi."  I went to snap a picture and BAM, Bodhi grabbed the hot cocoa and spilled it.

Both boys cried.

The crying stopped when Z realized it wasn't his cocoa, and Bodhi realized it wasn't really that scary.  Whew!  Thankfully only his hand and a small spot on his pants was wet.

It was my cocoa, of course.  That's fine.

Dad was done.  "I'm going inside."

We chalked it up to just a crazy night, and ran to swing under the stars.

We drank cocoa in the tiny house, climbed the playscape, slid a few times, went to swing on the big swing together, all cuddled and bundled up, and by then sweet Bodhi was super tired, and hands and face were so cold.

It's a funny thing about little people.  They strip their gloves, and hat, and feel the cold.  It's so new to them, even if it's a little uncomfortable, they appreciate the novelty of it.  I love seeing the world through their eyes, with their great appreciation for such small things.

We called it a night, and with the promise of heading out again in the morning, dawdled all the way to the door.

I could see the tired smile on the boys faces, and it brought a smile to my face.  We peeled off the layers, and headed up to get ready for bed.  Bodhi fell asleep first, then I headed in to read with Z.

He fell asleep a happy boy.

I've never been a fan of cold, but when there are two small boys reveling in it's joy and mystery, it makes me love it.  There are so many things I didn't appreciate, and overlooked, and made up opinions about, without ever feeling it, before I had children.

I love these boys.

They open my heart, and open my eyes, and see everything as special and something to appreciate, especially the simple stuff, and even when everything is covered in sticky hot cocoa.

Helping brother with his hat

The Answer Game

I knew Z wouldn't be tired at bedtime.  We had spent the morning playing at the park.  He played with some new friends, and after our friend left, we hung out eating pink bubblegum and pistachio gelato and picked out a few groceries.  On the way home he fell asleep, next to his brother, and took a nice afternoon nap.

When the bedtime alarm went off, I gave him a few more minutes, and started the dishwasher.  Then we headed off to start bedtime.

I could tell by his energy that he wasn't going down easy.  I understood why.  Instead of being frustrated, I surrendered.  It's always better when I surrender.

We read stories from our old fairy book, and talked about how awesome it would be to find one in the fairy house we built.  We talked about how easily they are disguised in nature and we hope to see one some day.  We discussed how different they all were, and how fun it would be to fly with the birds and dragonflies.  We love fairies!

He told me one of his awesome imaginative stories, and then I thought I should just go to bed too.  I was tired, and 9:30 was approaching.  Why not go to bed at a descent time?  I ask myself this nearly every night.  I asked him to wait until I got ready for bed and I'd come right back.

I returned quickly and scooped him up and took him into our bed, next to Bodhi, who was soundly asleep.  We told a story, and just when we were getting ready to shut off the light, he asked, "Want to play the answer game?"   I knew it was another way to prolong going to sleep, but I was intrigued by this game.  The most special moments happen when you least expect it.  I also know what it feels like to not be super tired and be laying in bed with an active mind.  "Sure.  We can play it for a little while.  What's the answer game?"

Z said, "Okay.  Here's the answer game.  You give me all of your answers, and I will give you all of my answers."

I smiled in the dark.  "Well, do you want to ask me a question?"

"No.  Just give me all your answers.  You have more answers than me."

I laughed.  "Well, you're pretty smart and you have a lot of answers too!  Usually, when you ask a question, someone can give you an answer.  How about you ask me a question."

I thought, you really do have as many answers as me, about the important stuff.  All the rest will fall in place, when you're ready, sweet boy.

"Well, you have more answers than me.  Okay.  What's steam?"  We had been talking about steam lately.  It started when we put an ice cube in some hot soup a while back and he said it was smoking.  We've also been doing a lot of science experiments lately.

"Steam is water vapor.  When hot meets cold, the water steams, and rises like smoke.  It's like when we put a piece of ice in hot soup."

He listened, asked a few more questions about steam and smoke, then told me to ask one.

"What animal do you love?"

"Shadow.  She's my friend.  And P. Pat."

We each asked a few more questions, then he seemed happy and more relaxed.  We fell asleep shortly after.

He always amazes me.  I love his games and questions.  I love his imagination.  I love to know what he is thinking.  I love to listen to him.  I love to learn what meant something to him, and what he remembers.  I love that he is a sponge, and it reminds me to watch every single thing I do and say.  I love watching his mind and heart expand.  I love to see his eyes open.  I love to see creation stirring.  I love the beginner's mind in action.

I also think it's sweet and cute how he thinks I have so many answers and trusts me to know everything.  I will always answer his questions, or we find an answer.  It's such an amazing journey with children, learning and growing together.

I am eternally grateful for my little teachers.

Schlitterbahn!!

We opened our front door after three days and two nights at Schlitterbahn, glowing and happy.  We pushed ourselves far enough to be very tired, and our feet to be worn, but not completely exhausted.  We unbuckled the dudes, handed them their shark puppets and cars, unloaded the truck, showered and chilled.  Daddy headed out to pick up our sweet Shadow and we unpacked a little and played plenty.

The boys were happy to be home to familiar ground and toys.  After all the water play I could hardly get them out of the tub, which was full of dirty gray water.  You know the color, it reminds you of how much fun you just had.  I think we still smell like suntan lotion.

I was happy we got to take our own food so we also didn't return with a junk food hangover.  Of course we had our fair share of Dippin' Dots and some cheese pizza, but gratefully had plenty of fresh fruit and healthy goods to keep us going long and strong.

I loved seeing the gleam in their eyes as they explored every slide and pool, laughed while bouncing in the lazy river, made Summertime friends, and stayed up late.  Everything was so new to the boys, and seeing it all through their eyes made it a whole new experience for us.  It really didn't even matter that I spent most of the three days in wading pools.

The after hours hot tub and arcade called Z each night, as he won little prizes and made some girlfriends.  He's such a little flirt.

It was also awesome that family joined us for two out of three days, and Daddy got to escape and ride some big rides for a few hours.

Z told everyone that would listen that we were living at Schlitterbahn for three days.  They also needed to know that he was not a baby but his brother is, that he could do the rides, and he was three, almost four, and was going to have a dinosaur birthday party.  Sometimes they even got to hear that he could poop on his own and not in his swimsuit, which made the moms smile, and the seven year old little girls look at him with crooked grins like "that's cute but a little TMI".  That's my boy.

Ninja-stunt sliding

Exploring the Yellow Submarine

Let me go, I can swim!!!

Getting ready to taste the sea star

Feeling the cold Comal River water

Daddy and I even got to take Z on a tube ride together while Grandma waded and played with Bodhi.  Everytime he rushed down the rapids he almost exploded with excitement.  It was also nice to have some dude time.

The dudes tubin'

Bouncing with joy!

Look at that daredevil's grin.

Bodhi enjoying a pretzel half his size

On our second night "living at Schlitterbahn", Bodhi crawled off the bed and bumped his head.  It made us all sad and after he calmed down and we figured he was really okay, just stunned.  Z and I decided to read some stories and go to sleep next to him, like we had the night before.  While I stepped out to find our flashlight, I returned to find Z sweetly singing "All the Pretty Little Horses" to Bodhi and I just about melted.

Pure sweetness.

The last day was just us so we spent all our time wading in the kiddie pools and floating the lazy river.  Bodhi even napped in his tube while I floated around next to him.

Hi, Daddy!

We got a gator!

Eventually, we hopped on the last bus home, with smiles on our face, ready to get some more good food in our belly.

Last bus to the resort

Heading home

See you next year, Schlitterbahn! 

Love is Love

Love is there, even if you wonder if it is.

Love is love.

Love is unconditional.

Love cannot be lost.

Love cannot be diluted.

Love isn't more or less.

Love is endless, and full and never absent.

In the words of Operation Ivy, "The position being taken, is not to be mistaken, for attempted education, or righteous accusation, (it's) only a description, just an observation."

I think that Z is finally beginning to understand in his three year old brain that my love for him is unconditional and unchanged since the birth of his brother.  I can love him and his brother at the same time, no matter what.

This isn't something I can tell him, although of course I do.  He had to see it.  

He's seen it over and over and over in what I do for him, out of nothing but love.

I love my boys.  They are my heart.  

Sometimes he sees me swoon over his brother.  I used to be afraid for him to see it, that he may think I loved him less in that moment.  I never hid it, I just always thought, "What is he thinking right now?"  What silly thoughts.  

He has to see me love endlessly and unconditionally, everyone that I can.  Sometimes I think it's hard to see me cuddle, adore and love another being with my whole heart, but it's the same love I give to him. If he has to come hurdling into the hug to feel it, then fine, I will not push him away.  Push your way into my circle of love as many times as you have to and finally understand that you are always welcome, although your brother may tug those lovely locks.

These boys have night and day personalities.  And that's fine.  It doesn't mean that I love either of them differently.  I just love them.  That's just how love works.  

He has seen me lose it, he has seen me cry, he has seen me angry, especially when another person gets hurt (including him), but I always return to love him no matter what.  You see, because my heart may fracture, but it is ever whole and shining with love.

Unconditional, forever love.

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, sweet boy.

I'm sorry we were late to the splash pad because Bodhi's nap ran late.

Please be grateful that we got to go.

I'm sorry our friends had to go because they had already been there for a while.

Please be grateful that you have friends, it's been hard for you making them, with your excited happy often over-the-top energy that doesn't usually match all those around you.

I'm sorry those kids didn't want to share their toys, even when you offered to trade.

Please be grateful for the ones that did.

I'm sorry that girl told you she didn't want you be your friend after you so sweetly went up to her to share her bucket and say, "Hi, I'm Zachary and I'd like to be your friend."  You even offered her your beloved Grave Digger, which she not so politely declined.  It made me sad too.

Please be grateful that you see everyone as a friend.  It is a blessing, because everyone is worthy of your friendship and unconditional love, even if others can't always see it.

I'm sorry we had to go earlier than you wanted to.

Please understand that it's because I could tell you were tired and not on the same wavelength as the little ones that surrounded you.

I'm sorry I got mad when you acted out.  You got in the girl's way because you didn't have the tools to express your feelings after you used all the words you had, and knocked Bodhi down on his face because you were angry.

Please understand that I could see it was only about to get worse, and I lost my cool and made you get your shoes with tears in your eyes.  Trust me, the tears were about to flow in mine.  I'd rather they think I am an asshole than you.  Because I can take it.  I'd take anything for you.

Tears swell in my eyes knowing what an awesome boy you really are and how hard I try to be the best mama I can to you.  But all we can do is our best and call it a day when it's time.  And I'm always learning when it's time.

Sometimes I feel like a failure, but I don't want you to know that.  I want you to see me as strong.  Sometimes you see me cry, and all I can say is I'm sorry, and I love you, and next time hopefully it won't go this way.

You're often a stinker and you know how to push buttons.  Trust me, I know.  I was you.  I was spoiled but loved more than tongue can tell.  I had a hard time making friends too.    I had a hard time sharing.  I had a hard time matching those around me.  Sometimes I still can't find the right words.

It gets better because you will never stop learning, and we'll keep on truckin' together.  You'll get the swing of it and I will never leave your side.  I'll pick myself up when I fall and teach you how to do the same.

You have a one of a kind, very special personality, full of so much intensity, laughter, and love.  You have a hard time expressing your feelings using just words sometimes.  Your strong willed nature will get you far if I can only help you find the right direction.

I'm sorry you don't understand right now.

All I can do is light our torch and head into the darkness with you, and cry when we need to cry.

I love you with all my heart, but sometimes it's time to go.

Happy 1st Birthday

Happy 1st birthday, sweet Bodhi.

Thanks for the swing, Grandma!

First steps on his birthday!

Birthday present. 

Good morning, sweet birthday boy!

Oh, Mama!

Playtime!

Where's brother?

My butter eatin' chocolate cake bakin' helper.

Spaghetti time!

He clearly does not have his brother and Daddy's sweet tooth.
He hardly touched it.  Made me laugh.

Goodnight, sleep tight. 

In The Moment

Sometimes I have a hard time staying in the moment and paying attention to what's in front of me.

My mind is often pulled in a hundred different directions.

Most moments are fleeting, they only last a second or two, 

and we can miss so many when we aren't paying attention.

The interesting thing is,
my mind is the only thing that tries to bring to life what isn't there.  

What doesn't need my attention.

I have a way to help me stay present, in addition to sitting on the cushion. 

Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy.  All I have to do is remember.

When I'm watching Z and Bodhi play, a smile pass their lips, my name being called, 

I can center myself by meditating on what's in front of me.  

I can breathe in and out and say to myself or aloud, especially to Bodhi,
"I am watching Z play."  

"I am chopping carrots.  

Feel the smooth hard skin and knife as it pushes through.  

Listen to the knife hit the board.  

Watch them fall.  

Smell the earthy fresh fragrance of newly pulled carrots.  

It tastes so good.  

Want one?"  

"We're walking upstairs.
Let's change your diaper.

I'm laying you down.  

I'm taking your diaper off.  

I am putting on a new diaper.  

Let's go back downstairs."

The funny thing is I learned mostly from talking to the boys.  

I always try to describe the world to Bodhi, as I did Z when he was a babe.  

I still have to help Z find the words or notice his feelings.

It helps me just as much as them.

It helps me not make the situation more than it is, as I often can.
It helps me to not focus on what I don't need to be doing or thinking about.

It's funny how often I find myself noticing so many feelings and extraneous thoughts.

It feels good when I give my full attention, which is giving all my love.
It's the best gift I have.

Magnitude

Not a day passes that sorrow doesn't seep deep into my bones.

Stories from those that I love, near and far, known and unknown, or the news can break a heart and tenderize it at the same time.  It's those cracks that allow the love to flow.

It broke my heart when Z got hurt, my mind is still unsettled from that.

My dog-niece was buried next to Paco this weekend.  The mother of his children.

A close friend's father passed away from a freak accident.

The news in Austin alone continues to astound me with it's growing violence and sadness.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

It makes me wonder what kind of world I brought children into.  It makes me cry when I think of the pain that they will endure in their lifetime.  I imagine that parents have pondered this for millennia.

Above all, it makes me realize the magnitude of the job of a parent and what examples I set.

Truth be told, they let me know every day what I should and shouldn't be doing.

It's up to me to show my children love, compassion and respect, so that they may give the same to others.

It's up to me to be kind and gentle, so that everyone receives the same touch from them.

It's up to me to forgive, so that the trespasses and pains others bring may be forgiven.  And so that they can forgive themselves.  We all make mistakes and do things we regret.

It's up to me to be patient, so that they can tolerate everyone and not get so frustrated.

It's up to me to be fearless, so that they may go beyond their fears and learn what they are capable of.

It's up to me to be generous, so that they learn to give and never expect in return.

It's up to me to give them all that I have, love, time and resources, so that they may experience the world in ways that Daddy and I did or didn't.

It's up to me to listen to them, so that they listen to others.

But when it comes down to it, children already encompass all these traits from birth.  Sometimes they forget them, begin to test them, or see alternate examples, but they lie in the heart of each and everyone of us.

It's up to me to remind them that they can remain well into adulthood.

I am so grateful that they have taught and reminded me of so many things, which in turn reminds me that I too teach them.

A Walk With Z

Today, we took the boys out for a drive to see the lake and some boats.

Z enjoyed the drive through the hill country while Bodhi slept next to him.

We listened to music, chatted and decided to stop for some lunch. Then Daddy had a cool idea. We decided to grab some Schlotzsky's and some Gourmet S'Mac and Cheese and head to the dam for a picnic. 

We backed up to the lake and peered at the huge concrete wall spilling water into Lake Austin. Some people were fishing on the bridge and the woods were right next to us.

We pulled down the tailgate and snacked until we were content.  The promise of cinnamon roll kept Z close by for a little while.

Of course, Z was now very eager to explore the bridge. He and Daddy rushed off and immediately Z was drawn to the fishing poles. The guy knew Z would love to see the fish he had, so he pulled a fish up to Z's amazement. He ran and ran until they headed back towards Bodhi and me, who were slowly meandering along the edge near a lizard and peeking into the water.

Next, he and Daddy rushed off to the woods along the water's edge and Z came running back full force just as excited as could be. It was all new to him.

Daddy pointed out some honeysuckle, which we hadn't seen bloom since last year.  A year is a long time to a three and a half year old.  I picked a few stems and hurried back, eager to share the bounty. We showed Z how to gently pull flower off then stem out to get to the sweet liquid. Pretty exciting to a little dude that is curious about everything.

Then he took my hand to go for a walk. I handed over Bodhi to Dad and we took off to explore.

I love exploring with Z. I love how he notices every little detail surrounding us, taking in things he's never seen before and touching everything, absorbing every new sensation.

He told me about all the rocks, and plants, and water.  "What's that?"  He was fascinated by the water shooting out the dam. "Why aren't they all open?"

He led me on an "adventure" until we made our way back towards the parking lot, where he pulled me back. He wasn't ready yet. He wanted to be with just Mama a little more, no brother, just us. We aren't alone all that often anymore, so the time that we are is precious.

As we headed back the opposite direction, something rushed out of some high grass. A little rabbit!  What a treat.  "Shhh, come here." I picked him up quickly so that he had a good view.  The little rabbit paused.  It took a few hops and Z was delighted with it's little white cottontail.  Just like Peter Cottontail.  He squealed and wiggled.  The little creature remained.  Then Z wanted to get a little closer, so a few steps later he hopped back into some thick brush.  We just smiled and smiled at each other.  "That was cool."

We held hands the whole time and saw tons of butterflies and lizards on the way back, noticing each and every one.  He just talked and talked and I listened and answered questions.

We saw Daddy and Bodhi and were excited to tell them about the rabbit and adventure, so Z decided it was time to head back.  Our short little journey was complete, but as special as anything I could ever imagine.

I love seeing the wonders of the world anew through his eyes.  He really makes me stop and enjoy everything in a whole new light.  When I am with the boys, it is as though I am seeing everything for the first time along with them.  Nothing is ever the same.

I adore these boys!

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep...

Bedtime is my new spiritual practice.

It is for every parent.

Sleep is important.

It's important for good health and good moods.  Theirs and mine.

It's important as a break.  For them and me.

It's important for growing.

We all know that sleep changes as children grow.

Bedtimes get extended.

Naptimes change and wane.

The time it takes to go to sleep differs.

Rituals evolve.

I wasn't as good at bedtime when Z was a babe.  I'd nurse him to sleep and cuddle him until I went to bed.  He never awoke.  It worked just fine.

Bodhi loves routine, which has been awesome for us all.  Z has grown to love it because I started sticking to it.  Bodhi's been ready for bedtime at 7:00 - 7:30, almost since we brought him home.  He slept hours at a time from the get go.  He'd be asleep within about fifteen minutes.

I love it.  I never thought of myself as a schedule or routine person, but I am at heart.  It's taken me time to find our rhythm.

Enter daylight savings time.

Enter a whole new level of mobility.

Enter new teeth.

(Deep sigh)

Bodhi's cut down to two long naps, sometimes I can tease out number three if we're lucky.

Z rarely naps.  Thank goodness for "chill/rest time".

He has also pushed bedtime forward about an hour.

I've been fighting it.  I thought if I went upstairs and lay with him it would coax him to sleep.

Wrong!  I've been laying with him an hour or more most nights.  Even sometimes when we go up late.

I miss the hour or so we had with Z at night.  Daddy puts Z to sleep when I'm really late (other nights too, of course).  It's even really messed up dinnertime with our false starts, especially right after daylight savings time.  It puts cleaning way late.  I've had hardly any time to do anything I enjoy because I'm just tired and want to chill.

After fourteen hours on full time duty I. want. a. break.

The last few weeks it has really really got to me.  Even pissed me off.  And I feel guilty for my frustration.  He is an nine month old baby that's just changing right before me, as he should be.  

I guess after eight months of a schedule, I want it to remain the same.  Deep down, I know that's nuts of me.  I just wish it was more consistent.

I'm letting go.

Slowly surrendering.

The sweet babe is changing and I can't fight it.

Maybe it's a new way for me and Bodhi to have some time alone.

I've got to let him take the lead here and find what works for us all.

It's always best when I do.

Happy Easter

More Love

When I was pregnant with Bodhi I was worried.  

How could I love another child as much as I love Z?  He was my whole world pre-Bodhi.

Not that I wouldn't love and adore Bodhi, but the same, as much?  How would it work?

I felt embarrassed just thinking about it.  It sounds so silly now even saying it out loud.  

I remember talking with my beautiful ninety-year-old Great Aunt Inez about it.  She laughed and smiled.  I will never forget her reaction.  Her reply was, "Honey, it's just that much more love."  She looked at me like, "you'll see, honey, you'll see.".

You know what?  She was right.  Oh so very right.  

I adore each of my very different boys with all my heart.  There is no such thing as favorites.  As I tell them, I love you more than the universe times infinity.

Having one child taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.

Having two teaches me to share and spread that love further.  

It also taught me, more than anything ever before, that everyone deserves unconditional love.  

We are all someone's child.  

Sometimes when I get angry at someone, or think someone is being stupid or are just plain pissed off at them, I remind myself that they are so loved by someone, and why can't that someone also be me. 

That is the beauty of unconditional love.

We all deserve it.

We are all one.

Bluebonnets

Grandma and I took the boys to the Zilker Garden Festival this weekend.  We love roaming around the botanical gardens there.

On our way home there was a patch of bluebonnets so we stopped to take some pictures.

We always take the time to stop and smell the bluebonnets in Texas!

I'm glad we did.  It was a short, hot fun few minutes at the end of our adventure.

Sweet Bodhi soaking up some sun in the Texas bluebonnets.

He loves to touch everything.

Checking out what's going on.

Enter big brother!

Big brother hugs!!  Post tackle.
Bodhi loves any attention that Z gives him.

My silly silly boy.

Digging the flower he found.

"Hey, do you see this flower?  It's pretty cool."

Curious and full of love.