Friday, March 9, 2012

In a Second The World Can Change

The other day, something happened that shook me to the core.

We only think we know how precious and fragile life is until something like this happens.

It really wakes you up. 

In a matter of seconds the world shifts.

Minutes feel like hours. 

Hours feel like days.           

I am still quite unsettled.

Z ended up in the emergency room with the back of his head split open and a busted up face.

I saw my baby boy’s skull.   I wish that no mother ever experiences that.

For hours we didn’t know how serious it was.

I am so grateful that after a clear CT scan and six staples to his precious head he is ok.  He is playing and living like it never happened.  His resiliency is astounding.

We were playing in the garden.  I stepped away to change his brother’s diaper on the porch and I heard a crash and scream.  In that minute, he pulled the pins out of our utility trailer and the ramp fell on his head pinning his face to the ground.  I ran.

I still don’t remember if he crawled all the way out or if I pulled him out. 

His face was busted up and mouth was bloody.  I thought that was the worst part until I held his head and discovered that it was split open and we were covered in blood.

Daddy rushed home in minutes and we hurried to the ER.

Every single horrible imaginable thing crossed my mind.  I felt helpless.  All we could do was hold ice on him, tell him he would be ok, and go. 

Thank goodness the numbing gel they administered made his pain and tears stop immediately. 

I held it together, for the most part, until after bed.  Then I lost it.  I sobbed in the shower. 

My heart literally hurt.  My body ached.  I felt sick.  I still feel sick about it.  

I feel responsible.  It happened in about a minute.  I let my guard down for one minute.

I wondered.  What if it handicapped him?  Or he needed surgery?  What if he was in the hospital or worse?  What if he wasn’t here anymore?  What if I’d never hold him again? 

Was I the best mom I could be?  I reflected upon all sorts of regrets.  We’d just emerged from  a rough two weeks between colds, ear infections, and teething.  Was every time I got frustrated or expressed anger to him ever necessary? 

I had to stop.  

I had to breathe. 

I haven’t quite let go.

Every time I look at his scratched up face and staples, I cringe inside.  It’s like a little pain in my chest when I see him hurt. 

He is acting perfectly fine and just as adventurous as ever.  He hasn’t complained.  Washing his hair is easy, for him.  He still wants to jump off the couch. 

Every time his head comes near something I shudder a little.  But we don’t live in a bubble.  I can’t let this ruin our life.  I am being strong.  I am taking it as a huge warning.

We all know that terrible things will happen.  We expect to be shaken.  But not like that, with our children.  

We worry.  We do everything we can to prevent it.  We hope we can protect them.  We think we have a minute.  We sometimes underestimate them.

It is a reminder to me that in an instant things can change and life will never be the same.  I only hope that this lesson lingers with me forever to remind me every day how precious these boys are. 

How precious everyone is. 

Life is precious.

Life is fragile.  


  1. I cried reading this, Nichole. I hate seeing my kids hurt. It is physically painful to patch them up. I admir eyou for holding it together for as long as you did. I don't know that I could have.

  2. Thank you, C. I go into a "we have to do this" mode. It hurts to watch but I just have to do it. I wasn't always like that. The kids and taking care of my Grandmother at the end of her life really changed me. The day of her funeral I got sick for a week. It just wore me down.

  3. You are one brave mama! I shutter just thinking of something like this happening to my child....Heck, she has a bad cough/cold right now and I feel helpless! There have been times where I thought "I had a minute" and found her in dangerous situations as well.

    Your boys have a great mom, don't ever think otherwise!

  4. Well done, brave mom... the physical "let my guard down" tragedies that our son has faced made me sick and weepy, too. those words don't even describe the responsibility you feel, and the fresh realization of how precious your child is to you. please freely accept the grace God gives us, and know you couldn't have prevented everything. you sure held it together and got him the care he needed. well done. you are an excellent, caring, strong woman!

  5. Oh goodness, so sorry you all had to go through this! Your boys couldn't have a better or braver mama. Hope all is much better now, and you are being kind to yourself. xo

  6. It was a hard day. Thank you for your kind words and love. I definitely have never felt more responsible in my life since having kids. They are the most precious thing ever.