A Mantra from My Heart

As I lay Bodhi or Z to sleep sometimes I find myself crying.  Sometimes out of frustration, anger, or exhaustion, but often out of love.

It's so easy to get frustrated at bedtime.  It's like the final homestretch to unwinding from your twelve to fourteen hour day (more or less).

Some nights I lay with Bodhi for an hour, or more.  It's not that often, but the average is fifteen to thirty minutes.  Same with Z.

Some people think I'm nuts.  That's okay.

The truth is, really, I love bedtime.  It's a sacred time between mama and babe.  Special one-on-one time with each babe at the end of the day, where special moments happen.  When I'm willing to surrender.  You learn a lot about one another, and how each of you saw the day.  We cuddle and love, and I read, sing, and tickle them, until they fall asleep.  Sometimes I fall asleep too.

But there have been nights where bedtime, with both boys, has lasted over two hours.  It's when I start thinking -I'm done.  I am so done.  Please.  Please fall asleep.

Then one night, I lay there so frustrated, not wanting to get angry, and my heart whispered to me...

You teach me to be humble.
You teach me to surrender.
You teach me unconditional love.
Thank you.  Love.  

I cannot tell you how often these simple words have centered me, and saved us.

It is good to remember, any time any of those anxiety producing feelings arise.  It stops me.  Sometimes it brings me to tears.

It reminds me of just how precious and amazing they are, and what this moment can be, if I only let it.

Really, every moment is.

Thank you, Maezen, for showing me, that my life is my practice.