Saturday, July 28, 2012

Love is Love

Love is there, even if you wonder if it is.
Love is love.

Love is unconditional.

Love cannot be lost.

Love cannot be diluted.

Love isn't more or less.

Love is endless, and full and never absent.

In the words of Operation Ivy, "The position being taken, is not to be mistaken, for attempted education, or righteous accusation, (it's) only a description, just an observation."

I think that Z is finally beginning to understand in his three year old brain that my love for him is unconditional and unchanged since the birth of his brother.  I can love him and his brother at the same time, no matter what.

This isn't something I can tell him, although of course I do.  He had to see it.  

He's seen it over and over and over in what I do for him, out of nothing but love.

I love my boys.  They are my heart.  

Sometimes he sees me swoon over his brother.  I used to be afraid for him to see it, that he may think I loved him less in that moment.  I never hid it, I just always thought, "What is he thinking right now?"  What silly thoughts.  

He has to see me love endlessly and unconditionally, everyone that I can.  Sometimes I think it's hard to see me cuddle, adore and love another being with my whole heart, but it's the same love I give to him. If he has to come hurdling into the hug to feel it, then fine, I will not push him away.  Push your way into my circle of love as many times as you have to and finally understand that you are always welcome, although your brother may tug those lovely locks.

These boys have night and day personalities.  And that's fine.  It doesn't mean that I love either of them differently.  I just love them.  That's just how love works.  

He has seen me lose it, he has seen me cry, he has seen me angry, especially when another person gets hurt (including him), but I always return to love him no matter what.  You see, because my heart may fracture, but it is ever whole and shining with love.

Unconditional, forever love.

Friday, July 27, 2012

These Moments

{these moments} - A Friday ritual. A single photo two photos- no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.  Inspired by SouleMama.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, sweet boy.

I'm sorry we were late to the splash pad because Bodhi's nap ran late.

Please be grateful that we got to go.

I'm sorry our friends had to go because they had already been there for a while.

Please be grateful that you have friends, it's been hard for you making them, with your excited happy often over-the-top energy that doesn't usually match all those around you.

I'm sorry those kids didn't want to share their toys, even when you offered to trade.

Please be grateful for the ones that did.

I'm sorry that girl told you she didn't want you be your friend after you so sweetly went up to her to share her bucket and say, "Hi, I'm Zachary and I'd like to be your friend."  You even offered her your beloved Grave Digger, which she not so politely declined.  It made me sad too.

Please be grateful that you see everyone as a friend.  It is a blessing, because everyone is worthy of your friendship and unconditional love, even if others can't always see it.

I'm sorry we had to go earlier than you wanted to.

Please understand that it's because I could tell you were tired and not on the same wavelength as the little ones that surrounded you.

I'm sorry I got mad when you acted out.  You got in the girl's way because you didn't have the tools to express your feelings after you used all the words you had, and knocked Bodhi down on his face because you were angry.

Please understand that I could see it was only about to get worse, and I lost my cool and made you get your shoes with tears in your eyes.  Trust me, the tears were about to flow in mine.  I'd rather they think I am an asshole than you.  Because I can take it.  I'd take anything for you.

Tears swell in my eyes knowing what an awesome boy you really are and how hard I try to be the best mama I can to you.  But all we can do is our best and call it a day when it's time.  And I'm always learning when it's time.

Sometimes I feel like a failure, but I don't want you to know that.  I want you to see me as strong.  Sometimes you see me cry, and all I can say is I'm sorry, and I love you, and next time hopefully it won't go this way.

You're often a stinker and you know how to push buttons.  Trust me, I know.  I was you.  I was spoiled but loved more than tongue can tell.  I had a hard time making friends too.    I had a hard time sharing.  I had a hard time matching those around me.  Sometimes I still can't find the right words.

It gets better because you will never stop learning, and we'll keep on truckin' together.  You'll get the swing of it and I will never leave your side.  I'll pick myself up when I fall and teach you how to do the same.

You have a one of a kind, very special personality, full of so much intensity, laughter, and love.  You have a hard time expressing your feelings using just words sometimes.  Your strong willed nature will get you far if I can only help you find the right direction.

I'm sorry you don't understand right now.

All I can do is light our torch and head into the darkness with you, and cry when we need to cry.

I love you with all my heart, but sometimes it's time to go.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A Good Mother

We say, "A good father is not a good father."  
Do you understand?  
One who thinks he is a good father is not a good father; 
one who thinks he is not a good husband is not a good husband.  
One who thinks he is one of the worst husbands 
may be a good husband with a single-hearted effort.
Suzuki Roshi, Zen Mind, Beginner Mind

I remember the first time I read these words.  I immediately got defensive.  A hundred different defensive replies came to mind.  




So many thoughts.

After I was done justifying myself, after every ounce of excuse ran out, I stopped, and smiled.

I understood.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Night Night

Sweet Baby Bodhi asleep on the night of his 1st birthday
When Z was born, I wanted to create with a special nighttime goodnight or prayer.  I had many songs about daily rituals, that donned on me in the middle of bath time or play time.

The idea sat with me for his first year and I knew eventually something would pop into my head.

I want him to understand the importance that we're all in this world and universe together, co-dependent of one another, and all essentially made of the same stuff, from here to infinity.  Honestly, he knows this more than me.

Finally, one night, as I was laying him to bed, I started telling everything goodnight.  I started with us, then our home, and it traveled outward, ending in a full circle.

Now, every night I also say or sing it to Bodhi along with our favorite bedtime song, All the Pretty Little Horses.  We cuddle, nurse, and I tickle and sing him to sleep.

Night night, Z
Night night, Bodhi (now that little brother is here!)
Night night, Mama
Night night, Daddy
Night night, Paco
Night night, Shadow
Night night, P. Pat
Night night, Family
Night night, Friends
Night night, Neighbors
Night night, Austin
Night night, Texas
Night night, United States
Night night, North America
Night night, World
Night night, Moon
Night night, Sun
Night night, Solar System
Night night, Stars
Night night, Universe
Night night.  
I love you!

Friday, July 13, 2012

This Moment

{these moments} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.  Inspired by SouleMama.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


Did you ever have
the sudden realization
that everything's a blessing.

Not in disguise.

It's calling your name,
to revel in it's sight,
entangle yourself in it's scent,
hear it's voice,
feel it's presence,
and taste it's drops of love.

Be brave. 

Let go, 
and go.

Hurdle yourself across the planes
of your same existence.
And hold yourself accountable.

It's waiting.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Happy 1st Birthday

Happy 1st birthday, sweet Bodhi.

Thanks for the swing, Grandma!

First steps on his birthday!

Birthday present. 

Good morning, sweet birthday boy!

Oh, Mama!


Where's brother?

My butter eatin' chocolate cake bakin' helper.

Spaghetti time!

He clearly does not have his brother and Daddy's sweet tooth.
He hardly touched it.  Made me laugh.

Goodnight, sleep tight. 

Monday, July 2, 2012

What Do You Need?

Last night I had a shocking realization.

So many times when someone calls my name the first thing I think is, "What do they need?  What do they want?"

Sometimes all five beings need something at once.

Most often, they just want my attention.

They want me to stop.

Usually the request for attention comes in the form of "look at this", "play with me", or "sit right here".

Maybe it's a glass of water, finding something, a snack or help going potty.

They don't need anything but love.

I can do that.

So the next time someone calls my name, I will answer with an open heart full of love, not a mind full of questions and sit down.

Even if I have to remind myself over and over.

I can do this.