Overwhelmed

"All at once

The world can overwhelm me

There's almost nothin' you could tell me

That could ease my mind."

Jack Johnson

Ever feel overwhelmed?

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day I sit to write a list of all that's bothering me. This usually happens after I have been stewing in frustration and pity for a while and I'm sick of it.

Sometimes the list is very long.

It usually turns out that most of the things are not happing right now, right in front of me.

They are not real problems.

The ones that are right in front of me have often been exaggerated by emotion and hype.

Sometimes patience is required.

Sometimes it has to do with other people around me that I have no control over.  Then I realize the only thing I can control about that is not to add to the stress or try and just be nice.  It doesn't mean I have to ignore it or discount it but just don't feed the fear.

Sometimes with a little reflection or change of perspective the most annoying things can become quite laughable.

If there is something I can do about any of it right then, I do it.

If there is nothing I can do, then all I can do is recognize that.

Then I take account of all that I am grateful for.

That list is usually way longer.

By the time I'm done I feel a lot better.

Then I throw the lists away or could burn it.

Let it go.

And it feels even better.

I look around at my boys and realize they have no idea about my adult fears and problems.

They are living right now.

Why should I ruin our day over something that isn't even happening, something I have no control over?

All of a sudden, the sun comes from behind the clouds and I open my eyes a little wider.

This moment is precious.

This moment matters.

This is what is happening now.

This deserves my attention.

And I give it.

Heavy Hearts

Today, we have heavy hearts around here.  There's nothing to hide but it's all delicate news to bear.  Explaining some things to tiny people without freaking them out takes practice.

One thing I do know is that since becoming a mother and starting Zen practice I have noticed much more in the world and there have been more feelings than ever before in my life.  My tender heart has opened a little more each day and experience.  It has also been the beginning of strength like I never knew I had.  Even when things happen all at once all I can do is be there with each one as it is happening and do my best not to see it as a problem but tending to life.  I try to take it one at a time but sometimes it seems to magnify every single thing around me.

I found out that someone I love dearly fractured her vertebrae.  She was giving Z a piggy back ride then fell.  While it's not very serious it will take some uncomfortable recovery time and sets her back to zero in a lot of ways.  It breaks my heart and there's not enough I can do.

Then yesterday, Z's doctor's office called regarding the swab they took from what I thought was a bug bite.  It's a "rare unidentified gram branching bacteria" and they sent it off to the Texas Department of Health to identify.  The nurse did her best to reassure me "not to worry too much if he's getting better and the antibiotics are working" or it could be a contaminated sample.  However, it's not any news any Mama wants to hear.  It is getting better and he's acting completely normal but the words "rare and unidentified" coming from a doctor's office just don't sit well with me.  I will wait and watch.  I am also grateful he has a three year old well check scheduled today so we'll see what the doc thinks.

All the while we've been thinking about our sick fourteen-year old, Paco's bone cancer.  He is our chihuahua companion and best tiny buddy.  We love the fearless goofy little tail wagger that has been on numerous adventures with us over the years.  Zach got him as a tiny puppy before we met.  He's had a life that has been more fun than some people I know.  But now, he is not doing well and getting worse.  It all started around Bodhi's birth but we gave it time before jumping to conclusions and rushing to a vet.  We all know his time is waning and we've done what we can to keep him comfortable and happy.  It doesn't seem right or fair to have to make the sort of decision we have but we did.  Tomorrow we will lay him to rest in our backyard and bury him on our property.

OK, now I'm really crying.  

It hurts and scares me.  All of it.  All at once.  But all I can do is breathe and see what each moment and tomorrow brings.  I am trying not to jump to conclusions and be on edge.  My children surround me and watch my reaction to everything.  They mimic my feelings and their little instincts pick up even the most faint emotions.  I will not hide my feelings, I will explain them.  But I must be strong at the same time.  I am grateful for my practice -both Zen and motherhood.  Life isn't fair or easy.  It requires love and fearlessness to get us through each day.  And today I need a lot of it.

Paco many years ago

Paco and Z as a baby

Bodhi and Paco a month ago

Mama and her tiny Paco Roboto 

One More Time, Mama

There is nothing like a child to remind you to be present in each moment.

My son, Z frequently requests that I do something, "One more time, Mama." I think to myself and sometimes say out loud, "Again?" He clarifies, "One more time, Mama." So I do it one more time. Over and over. One more time. Then I get it. He really does mean one more time. It's all we ever have. What exists is what is happening now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, not in an hour, but right now, this one more time.

He is the best teacher I have ever had.

I'd also like to give a special thanks to the Karen Maezen Miller (author of Momma Zen and Hand Wash Cold) and the Austin Zen Center for keeping me inspired and full of love.