Twenty-two Breaths

Last night, I stepped from the playroom into the garage so that I could check on the laundry.

I had just cleaned the kitchen, picked up the living room and playroom, checked on Bodhi, and was ready to sit down.

How long is this going to take?  What can I go do real quick?

Then I paused.

I don't have a few breaths to stand here until it is done?

So I stood and decided to count my breath.

I thought about how Z will stand in awe of the most simple things.

I thought about how lucky I was to be standing in our own home, in our own garage, with a working washing machine and dryer that I have all to myself.

I thought about how lucky I was to have a family to wash laundry for.

I thought about how the washer sounded, smelled, felt, and looked.

I folded the blankets that were in the dryer.

Twenty-two breaths and countless thoughts later it slowly stopped spinning.

Twenty-two breaths.

I couldn't wait twenty-two breaths?

My mind sure can be busy about so many things that aren't even happening.

Sometimes I just have to pause and look at what is in front of me.

Sometimes it's easy to take what is in front of us for granted.

I'm glad when I pause to notice the simple pleasures in life, just like my children do.

Overwhelmed

"All at once

The world can overwhelm me

There's almost nothin' you could tell me

That could ease my mind."

Jack Johnson

Ever feel overwhelmed?

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day I sit to write a list of all that's bothering me. This usually happens after I have been stewing in frustration and pity for a while and I'm sick of it.

Sometimes the list is very long.

It usually turns out that most of the things are not happing right now, right in front of me.

They are not real problems.

The ones that are right in front of me have often been exaggerated by emotion and hype.

Sometimes patience is required.

Sometimes it has to do with other people around me that I have no control over.  Then I realize the only thing I can control about that is not to add to the stress or try and just be nice.  It doesn't mean I have to ignore it or discount it but just don't feed the fear.

Sometimes with a little reflection or change of perspective the most annoying things can become quite laughable.

If there is something I can do about any of it right then, I do it.

If there is nothing I can do, then all I can do is recognize that.

Then I take account of all that I am grateful for.

That list is usually way longer.

By the time I'm done I feel a lot better.

Then I throw the lists away or could burn it.

Let it go.

And it feels even better.

I look around at my boys and realize they have no idea about my adult fears and problems.

They are living right now.

Why should I ruin our day over something that isn't even happening, something I have no control over?

All of a sudden, the sun comes from behind the clouds and I open my eyes a little wider.

This moment is precious.

This moment matters.

This is what is happening now.

This deserves my attention.

And I give it.

I Try to Remember

I love and adore my kids but I can get frustrated.  Babies, especially require a lot of attention and most moments and days I am willing to give it all.

Staying at home with them means that I have 24 hours and 7 days a week with the boys.  And to top that off, not that it's bad, but I haven't spent time away from Bodhi since he's been born.

I wouldn't trade being with them for anything but I get very little time to do just what I want worry free.

There are times when I think, "Geez, just give me ten minutes...!"  Ten minutes without being 100% aware of tiny beings, holding a tiny being, being jumped on, followed, worrying about what Z's doing, or being asked to do something.  At least sometimes Z gets absorbed in playing when Bodhi's asleep or (gasp) they both nap.

Sometimes it makes me antsy.  Can you dig?

So there are a few things I try to remind myself of when I don't want to slow down and give the attention that Bodhi needs.

When I get frustrated that Bodhi doesn't want to be set down,
I try to remember there will come a time when he won't want to just sit still with me.


When I get frustrated that Bodhi won't just sit and swing when I'm cooking,
I try to remember that one day all he'll want to do is run off.


When I get frustrated that Bodhi doesn't want to sit in one spot with me,
I try to remember that sometimes I don't either and he's just asking for a little help to see the world.


When I get frustrated that I want to do something and Bodhi begins to fuss for my attention,
I try to remember that one day he won't ask for my help.


When I get frustrated that Bodhi does anything I'm not in the mood for,
I try and consider that it's me that's the problem, not him!


Now, Z?  Well, that's a whole other story, as well as the inspiration for my reminders.

Intentions

It's the time of year when family birthdays and holidays are abound.  It's a new year and time when I reflect on how I have changed and lived.  I often read my journals and think about what is important to us all.

This year I was inspired by a friend, Robin and this book to write my intentions.  Many lovely and true words of Maezen are also reflected and included in my list.

This is a gift to my family and self.  It is something to remind me of what works for me and what I need to work on.  It will sit in my kitchen windowsill altar where I will read it every day.

Intentions:

Gratitude for our children, family and friends.  They are perfect as is and are wonderful teachers.

Tend to the garden that is our family and my life.

Pay attention to what is in front of me.  Don't worry as much about what's not.

Take care of what is being asked of me in the moment.

Don't make things work or see things as work.

I have all the time in the world.  

Stop, pause, breathe and savor the moment.  

Be kind, gentle, tolerant and patient.

Recognize beauty, joy and love as well as frustration, anger and destructive emotions.  Maybe just be with them instead of act.

Be consistent but flexible.

Forgive myself and others.

Appreciate my life.  Every moment is my teacher.

Sit when I can but know each moment is practice.
Let's just see how it goes.

Not right now

On the morning of Z's second birthday we went downstairs to a room of presents. He immediately slam dunked the basketball into the goal and smacked the soccer goal until it shouted, "GOAL!!!" He didn't even notice the wrapped presents on the table until we pointed them out. He opened one that contained Hot Wheels and sat to play cars. After a few minutes we asked him, "Ready to open another one?!" His reply was simple and meaningful, "Not right now. I'm busy."

How many times do we adults want to hop onto the next task or next present without fully appreciating the one right in front of us? Too often.

The presents sat there until after dinner and birthday cake.

I love that grateful little man.