I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, sweet boy.

I'm sorry we were late to the splash pad because Bodhi's nap ran late.

Please be grateful that we got to go.

I'm sorry our friends had to go because they had already been there for a while.

Please be grateful that you have friends, it's been hard for you making them, with your excited happy often over-the-top energy that doesn't usually match all those around you.

I'm sorry those kids didn't want to share their toys, even when you offered to trade.

Please be grateful for the ones that did.

I'm sorry that girl told you she didn't want you be your friend after you so sweetly went up to her to share her bucket and say, "Hi, I'm Zachary and I'd like to be your friend."  You even offered her your beloved Grave Digger, which she not so politely declined.  It made me sad too.

Please be grateful that you see everyone as a friend.  It is a blessing, because everyone is worthy of your friendship and unconditional love, even if others can't always see it.

I'm sorry we had to go earlier than you wanted to.

Please understand that it's because I could tell you were tired and not on the same wavelength as the little ones that surrounded you.

I'm sorry I got mad when you acted out.  You got in the girl's way because you didn't have the tools to express your feelings after you used all the words you had, and knocked Bodhi down on his face because you were angry.

Please understand that I could see it was only about to get worse, and I lost my cool and made you get your shoes with tears in your eyes.  Trust me, the tears were about to flow in mine.  I'd rather they think I am an asshole than you.  Because I can take it.  I'd take anything for you.

Tears swell in my eyes knowing what an awesome boy you really are and how hard I try to be the best mama I can to you.  But all we can do is our best and call it a day when it's time.  And I'm always learning when it's time.

Sometimes I feel like a failure, but I don't want you to know that.  I want you to see me as strong.  Sometimes you see me cry, and all I can say is I'm sorry, and I love you, and next time hopefully it won't go this way.

You're often a stinker and you know how to push buttons.  Trust me, I know.  I was you.  I was spoiled but loved more than tongue can tell.  I had a hard time making friends too.    I had a hard time sharing.  I had a hard time matching those around me.  Sometimes I still can't find the right words.

It gets better because you will never stop learning, and we'll keep on truckin' together.  You'll get the swing of it and I will never leave your side.  I'll pick myself up when I fall and teach you how to do the same.

You have a one of a kind, very special personality, full of so much intensity, laughter, and love.  You have a hard time expressing your feelings using just words sometimes.  Your strong willed nature will get you far if I can only help you find the right direction.

I'm sorry you don't understand right now.

All I can do is light our torch and head into the darkness with you, and cry when we need to cry.

I love you with all my heart, but sometimes it's time to go.

Dealing With Tough Days

Z as a two-year old ball of energy and independence.

"Waking up this morning, I smile.  

Twenty four brand new hours are before me.  

I vow to live fully in each moment 

and to look at all beings with the eyes of compassion." 

Thich Nhat Hahn

I learn so much about Z and myself when we have tough days.

I've seen my ugly side when he blows up.  In him and me.

I've learned how to talk with him and pay attention to his cues so that we don't (usually) end up blowing up.  I am learning how to diffuse instead of deal with the aftermath.

It's like when I'm driving down the highway and a car comes up fast in the lane next to me.  I have a choice.  What kind of person do I want to be?  What is the best way to react?  I can wait until he cuts me off and slams on the breaks, and get furious.  Or I can see what's about to happen, slow down and prevent it.  Maybe just get out of the traffic.  It will pass.

We've had some of the best play days, park days and shopping trips since I've learned what works.

It's easy to see when he is tired, intimidated or over-stimulated.  Maybe his energy doesn't match those around him.  That means it is time to go.

I have no formula.  I just have to pay better attention.  I can't expect to control, all I can do is encourage.

We talk.  We hug.  I listen.

I've learned the right words.  Energetic, enthusiastic, strong willed and independent.  Not feisty, hard to deal with, rude and unpredictable.  I compliment him as much as possible.

Sometimes it takes longer than others and we still have bad moments, but it's working for us.

"Change your perspective, and the most ordinary things take on inexpressible beauty."  

Karen Maezen Miller

I've got a beautiful boy.  I can't expect.  I have to appreciate.

He's been different than other kids since the moment I first felt him.  I can't expect him to be other than how he is.  I have learned how to deal with his differences.

I haven't even had a close repeat of the photo-shoot day, which I blame more on me than him.

He has even quit using choice words.  You know the ones.  The ones no mother wants to hear.

There is less hitting and physical explosion.

He is learning patience, tolerance and empathy having a brother.  It's tough learning to share the world with others and be compassionate.

I'm learning.  He's learning.  We're learning together.  Each moment is new territory.

I remember before I had kids, or when Z was young, and I'd see others' kids going nuts.  I'd think, "Wow. I will never have a kid that acts like that."  I now laugh at my arrogance back then.

I have now walked a few miles on the darkside.  I know many around me don't understand because their kids aren't like Z, but that's OK.  They've never taken a few steps in my shoes.  I'm doing my best and that's all I can do.

It's not easy being three.

It's not easy being a mom.

Overwhelmed

"All at once

The world can overwhelm me

There's almost nothin' you could tell me

That could ease my mind."

Jack Johnson

Ever feel overwhelmed?

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day I sit to write a list of all that's bothering me. This usually happens after I have been stewing in frustration and pity for a while and I'm sick of it.

Sometimes the list is very long.

It usually turns out that most of the things are not happing right now, right in front of me.

They are not real problems.

The ones that are right in front of me have often been exaggerated by emotion and hype.

Sometimes patience is required.

Sometimes it has to do with other people around me that I have no control over.  Then I realize the only thing I can control about that is not to add to the stress or try and just be nice.  It doesn't mean I have to ignore it or discount it but just don't feed the fear.

Sometimes with a little reflection or change of perspective the most annoying things can become quite laughable.

If there is something I can do about any of it right then, I do it.

If there is nothing I can do, then all I can do is recognize that.

Then I take account of all that I am grateful for.

That list is usually way longer.

By the time I'm done I feel a lot better.

Then I throw the lists away or could burn it.

Let it go.

And it feels even better.

I look around at my boys and realize they have no idea about my adult fears and problems.

They are living right now.

Why should I ruin our day over something that isn't even happening, something I have no control over?

All of a sudden, the sun comes from behind the clouds and I open my eyes a little wider.

This moment is precious.

This moment matters.

This is what is happening now.

This deserves my attention.

And I give it.