What an amazing journey this boy and I have had for four revolutions around the sun.
It's a time where I reflect deeply on how much has changed and how much change there is to come for that beautiful boy, and myself.
Last night he asked me to tell him the story of his birth.
This has made me quite uncomfortable in the past, because my the births of both of my boys surrounds me with both love and darkness. They were both caesarean sections. I induced with Z, at almost two weeks past due, out of fear, and not having as big of a support system that I do now. I didn't know then what I know now.
So instead of let this be something to tie my stomach in knots and place a lump in my throat I dove in head first, lighter than ever.
"Well, you stayed in my womb for a long time! You must have been pretty comfy because you didn't want to come out! (He laughs, that big belly laugh of a four year old) So I asked the doctor about you and he said maybe we should try and get that boy to come out! (He laughs more) So they gave me some special medicine one night, and you sure must have thought it was more comfortable in there, because at first you just stayed put. Then you wiggled, and twisted, and pushed, trying to come out, and my body tried hard to help you come out, and the doctor tried hard to help you come out. But you were just too comfy I guess! So the doctor said, "Mama, are you ready to hold your boy?" and I told that doctor, "YES, I am ready to hug my boy." So he had to give me a little cut on my belly here (I show him my scar), and helped pull you out into the world. We were so happy to see you we just cried, and cried, and everybody was there to meet you -Grandma, Grandpa, your uncles, and aunts, and cousins, friends, everybody! You are the most beautiful special thing that ever happened to me, and I love you with my whole heart. Then Daddy helped weigh you and measure you, and they brought you back to me and you nursed and nursed and nursed, and I never wanted to put you down. Everyone asked me, "Mama, are you ever going to put that boy down?" and I'd answer, "Nope. I love him. And our hearts belong together." And that's how our story began."
It was the first time I had ever told him our story without tears of sadness, guilt, or shame. There's obviously a lot more to it. I had a horrible, gut wrenching, scary induction, and caesarean. But that's not important anymore. I don't need to re-live the trauma. I've done that too many times to count. He doesn't need to hear that, especially at four years old.
There sure can be a lot of those emotions around non-natural births, and as one beautiful soul said, the "dogma around natural birth". I am blessed because here at home, and through Momma Zen, in the Autumn SouLodge, I have met a group of beautiful supportive, unconditionally loving, amazing, mamas and women that know how to make a sister feel loved and whole. I have finally, in the last year, sought out more and more support from friends, mamas, and communities of Soul Sisters. I have told my husband how I feel, really feel, and he is beginning to get it.
I have met so many beautiful mamas with opposite experiences from mine, and some of the guilt, shame and sadness crept in, some told and some untold. I've also met a lot of mamas, in real life, and some online in groups, that made me feel that their way of giving birth was superior. But really, it's not. We mamas have to stick together and be there for one another, support one another, and share stories, and experiences, no matter what they are.
Then I finally built myself up to it, and watched The Business of Being Born about a month ago. Something shifted, and I cried and cried and sobbed like I can't remember. I thought, "Why didn't I see this five years ago?" But then it hit me over and over, and I realized, that I can't change my past, I don't need to change, or make my story better or worse than it is, it is my story, in my voice. I didn't write it all, it wrote itself in a way, and that's fine.
I have put a lot of thought into it all. I feel like I am in the final throws of letting go of the negativity. I am sick of judging my story as bad.
My boy is about to be four. That's a lot of time to carry around such unnecessary harmful judgements that serve nothing and no one. I will deal with the feelings as they arise.
If you met us you would have no idea that I had such emotion surrounding our birth story. Truth be told, the moment I held him, my world shifted in a way that is nearly unexplainable. I fell so deeply in love, like never before, and none of it mattered until some moments where I sat alone and over-thought the tragedy around inductions and caesarean sections, and not having the birth I had dearly wanted. We are deeply close and attached to one another, in such a special bond, and isn't that all that matters?
My boys are happy and healthy, and so am I. This story can make me stronger, not weaker, I just have to let go of some of my ideas. Not feed the negativity, but not ignore it, and in time it weakens and subsides.
Something has also been shifting in me in the last months. Between Bodhi's first birthday in July and Z's fourth birthday, which is a month before mine, I feel that I am coming to see things for what they are, more than what I make them to be. I am paying attention to my heart and intuition more than ever, and more than that, being okay with it and trusting it. I am learning to follow that which matters, and let things that no longer help or serve me fall away. Layers are shedding, shadows are being explored, with less judgement, and I am opening up further. I am holding fear's hand, treating it tenderly with love, instead of letting it lead and break me down. And it feels good to have a community and a practice, which supports not only the light but the dark.
It feels beautiful to be a woman and a mother. More now than ever before.
I have also realized that I don't have to feel guilty about staying at home. Like I need to be doing something more. -these unfortunate feelings creep in from time to time. I'm learning to tell it like it is.
I am thinking about how things happen in time, in my own pace, and how I can't push the river. I am not behind on my path. I am on my path. I don't have a lot of time for my own work and creative journey, but little by little I am exploring it more. An hour here, 15 minutes there. Sometimes I just have to ask for space, and not feel guilty!
The wheels are cranking in my own creative work, thanks to my Creative Courage course, Ordinary Writing Prompts, and of course SouLodge, among other amazing people in my life that are following their hearts and living their dreams. I am blessed to be right here, right now, at this time in my life.
I took these courses, and tasks on, to remind myself that it's okay to think about what I want to do in life, even if I don't have time to focus on anything for myself too hard or long right now. I am learning some new tools on how to ask the right questions, and explore things deeper. I am learning how to make the most of my space and time, and not just spin my wheels, and procrastinate, some days doing what I feel is a waste of my time -worrying and thinking without action. It's also when I know that I need to sit on the cushion more! Sometimes I need a little structure to guide my tired mama brain, without making me feel overwhelmed.
I also just read these beautiful words and feel that they are perfectly fitting. Thank you, Stacy at Clover and Sage. Yesyesyes!:
Vision (soil prep|seed planting)
+ Action (cultivating|nurturing|weed pulling)
+ Trust (Harvest|Gathering|Bounty)
= Living your vision (restoration|nourishing|reflec
So this was a lot, a lot to set free, out of my mind, and into space. Kind of a double birth story. The one of my sweet boy, and the one of a mama coming into herself.
I am eternally grateful for my path. As long and hard as it is. Because it has made one strong mama with a ton of love in her heart.
I am grateful for my support, and my two little teachers.