A Good Mother

We say, "A good father is not a good father."  

Do you understand?  

One who thinks he is a good father is not a good father; 

one who thinks he is not a good husband is not a good husband.  

One who thinks he is one of the worst husbands 

may be a good husband with a single-hearted effort.

Suzuki Roshi, Zen Mind, Beginner Mind

I remember the first time I read these words.  I immediately got defensive.  A hundred different defensive replies came to mind.  

Reasons.  

Excuses.  

Thoughts.

So many thoughts.

After I was done justifying myself, after every ounce of excuse ran out, I stopped, and smiled.

I understood.

Night Night

Sweet Baby Bodhi asleep on the night of his 1st birthday

When Z was born, I wanted to create with a special nighttime goodnight or prayer.  I had many songs about daily rituals, that donned on me in the middle of bath time or play time.

The idea sat with me for his first year and I knew eventually something would pop into my head.

I want him to understand the importance that we're all in this world and universe together, co-dependent of one another, and all essentially made of the same stuff, from here to infinity.  Honestly, he knows this more than me.

Finally, one night, as I was laying him to bed, I started telling everything goodnight.  I started with us, then our home, and it traveled outward, ending in a full circle.

Now, every night I also say or sing it to Bodhi along with our favorite bedtime song, All the Pretty Little Horses.  We cuddle, nurse, and I tickle and sing him to sleep.

Night night, Z
Night night, Bodhi (now that little brother is here!)
Night night, Mama

Night night, Daddy

Night night, Paco

Night night, Shadow

Night night, P. Pat

Night night, Family

Night night, Friends

Night night, Neighbors

Night night, Austin

Night night, Texas

Night night, United States

Night night, North America

Night night, World

Night night, Moon

Night night, Sun

Night night, Solar System

Night night, Stars

Night night, Universe

Night night.  

I love you!

Kiss.

This Moment

{these moments} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.  Inspired by SouleMama.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Blessing

Did you ever have

the sudden realization

that everything's a blessing.

Not in disguise.

It's calling your name,

to revel in it's sight,

entangle yourself in it's scent,

hear it's voice,

feel it's presence,

and taste it's drops of love.

Be brave. 

Let go, 

and go.

Hurdle yourself across the planes

of your same existence.

And hold yourself accountable.

It's waiting.

Happy 1st Birthday

Happy 1st birthday, sweet Bodhi.

Thanks for the swing, Grandma!

First steps on his birthday!

Birthday present. 

Good morning, sweet birthday boy!

Oh, Mama!

Playtime!

Where's brother?

My butter eatin' chocolate cake bakin' helper.

Spaghetti time!

He clearly does not have his brother and Daddy's sweet tooth.
He hardly touched it.  Made me laugh.

Goodnight, sleep tight. 

What Do You Need?

Last night I had a shocking realization.

So many times when someone calls my name the first thing I think is, "What do they need?  What do they want?"

Sometimes all five beings need something at once.

Most often, they just want my attention.

They want me to stop.

Usually the request for attention comes in the form of "look at this", "play with me", or "sit right here".

Maybe it's a glass of water, finding something, a snack or help going potty.

They don't need anything but love.

I can do that.

So the next time someone calls my name, I will answer with an open heart full of love, not a mind full of questions and sit down.

Even if I have to remind myself over and over.

I can do this.

Blessed Are the Poor in Spirit

Last night I lay in bed with Bodhi, frustrated that he wasn't falling asleep.  I decided to stop stewing and pour endless love and attention to him by tickling his hair, and thinking about how much I loved him as he nursed himself to sleep.  It was if I had decided to switch off aggravation and switch on compassion.

As soon as he drifted off to sleep, which was much quicker, when I opened my heart, a phone call from a dozen years ago came to mind.

A few months before Nana died, she called me out of the blue.  I was sitting on the couch watching TV next to Zach, and she said, "Go get your bible."

I took the few steps to the large book she had given me a few years before and replied, "Got it."

"Turn to the Beatitudes."  Of course she had to tell me where to turn, even though I'd read it a dozen times and even translated it in Latin during high school (please don't ask me to do that last part now).

She asked me to read it to her, so I did.

She asked me what I thought "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" meant.

I don't remember what I replied, but I never forgot what she said, "I always thought it meant, those that don't have the resources to do God's work on earth."

I didn't question her, I just listened.  Resources?  Like they didn't have a church or a bible?  Rosaries, statues or saints?  What did she mean?

Her words have come to me hundreds of times in the last twelve years.  Every time they seemed just as mysterious as the day she spoke them, until last night.

God's resources aren't physical.  They're with us always: compassion, love, attention, understanding, patience, kindness, respect, selflessness, caring, and peace.

Words sure can get us into trouble, so I won't define God as I understand it.  I'll just tell you that it's probably not what you think, but the exactly the same as you feel.  It's when we feel something with our heart, not understand it with words, that we really get it.

Last night, Nana was with me.  She had tried for years to teach her spoiled granddaughter what God's resources were, and she finally had to plant the seed once and for all, hoping that one day it would blossom.

Well, Nana, your love is blossoming, and I appreciate you so much for what you taught me.

Right before Bodhi's first birthday, her gift finally woke me up, like it never had before.