Today I lost my patience. I was angry at someone outside of this household. I found myself saying things with a sharper tongue than normal in tones and levels I don't like to hear coming from myself. To everyone in sight. I didn't hold true to "if you have nothing nice to say (or can't say it nice) then don't say anything at all". And I wasn't paying attention to anything.
I eventually caught myself and said sorry. To everyone. For some reason I was expecting everyone to deal with it. The attitude was "I'm pissy so let me be pissy. Yeah, you. You have your moments too.". After a while I realized that wasn't a healthy attitude for anyone. It came from was Z and Bodhi's reaction. My little mirrors snapped me to attention...
At first, Z was being as sweet as he could be. Like trying to hug me or be silly. I'd accept it, with a half smile then rush off. Then he picked up on my vibe and started acting up. Getting in my way, trying to stop me. I wasn't paying attention to him and ignoring my anger and huffing and puffing around. He started knocking things down and doing things he knew I wouldn't be happy with. Bodhi woke up, I changed him, nursed him and tried to put him down. No way. He was feeling me. I started to get more frustrated. "Geez, don't you know I need time to sulk and be angry." Then I realized they had put up with me long enough and they were fed up too. They were trying to get my attention in the best way possible -mirroring my attitude, begging me to take a peek. Adults to this just as well. This is something that can stop me dead in my tracks when I finally realize it. I wished it had happened sooner.
I just sat there and thought about why the heck was I so mad. Did I really need to react that way? Life's 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it, yada yada yada. I hadn't reacted good at all. Thank goodness children are most forgiving. We sat together and hugged for a while after apologies. Then I sat and watched Z play and Bodhi sleep and composed myself more while realizing that my problem wasn't even a problem at all. It was a really bad reaction to a slamming of my ego. I didn't get my way. So I took it out on those I love. And that sucks. All in all, I'm glad I have my mirrors and I'm glad when I look into them. And all around, everything is forgiven.
Thank you, tiny mirrors. I love you.