In The Moment

Sometimes I have a hard time staying in the moment and paying attention to what's in front of me.

My mind is often pulled in a hundred different directions.

Most moments are fleeting, they only last a second or two, 

and we can miss so many when we aren't paying attention.

The interesting thing is,
my mind is the only thing that tries to bring to life what isn't there.  

What doesn't need my attention.

I have a way to help me stay present, in addition to sitting on the cushion. 

Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's easy.  All I have to do is remember.

When I'm watching Z and Bodhi play, a smile pass their lips, my name being called, 

I can center myself by meditating on what's in front of me.  

I can breathe in and out and say to myself or aloud, especially to Bodhi,
"I am watching Z play."  

"I am chopping carrots.  

Feel the smooth hard skin and knife as it pushes through.  

Listen to the knife hit the board.  

Watch them fall.  

Smell the earthy fresh fragrance of newly pulled carrots.  

It tastes so good.  

Want one?"  

"We're walking upstairs.
Let's change your diaper.

I'm laying you down.  

I'm taking your diaper off.  

I am putting on a new diaper.  

Let's go back downstairs."

The funny thing is I learned mostly from talking to the boys.  

I always try to describe the world to Bodhi, as I did Z when he was a babe.  

I still have to help Z find the words or notice his feelings.

It helps me just as much as them.

It helps me not make the situation more than it is, as I often can.
It helps me to not focus on what I don't need to be doing or thinking about.

It's funny how often I find myself noticing so many feelings and extraneous thoughts.

It feels good when I give my full attention, which is giving all my love.
It's the best gift I have.

Held Accountable

I’ve come to the conclusion that the biggest problems I have as a parent and with Z are problems with me. When I find myself making excuses to myself I know something is wrong. I’ve got to pay attention to what is being required of me as a parent, especially when it comes to setting boundaries and sticking to it.  

It’s hard to admit when I think I’ve done something wrong as a parent.

To me it’s about teaching him respect and kindness, direction, re-direction and discipline, not about control.  Discipline doesn't have to be a dirty word; it is a good thing.

He depends on me to show him what is and isn’t acceptable.  He depends on me for right and wrong. He depends on me to show him how to respect others so they will also respect him.  He depends on me for consistency and discipline.  He trusts me to guide him.  It’s a big job but I’ve got to step up to the plate and be consistent or it’s him that’ll suffer in the end.

I believe that every moment is a chance to start over and there’s no time like the present to do so. 

I can’t expect Z to just learn self control through my “monkey see, monkey do” method.  I have to be better at enforcing boundaries.  

In the last few days since I posted about the photo shoot (one of the worst moments I've ever experienced), I’ve been really aware about how I respond to his behavior and I’ve surprised myself.  When I stick to my guns and I’m firm, it works.  He does respond well.  I’m worst about it when there’s a lot going on, but that’s when he needs me the most.

He is very strong willed and active so I have to get down to his level.  I've noticed his behavior changing in the last few months especially.  I obviously can’t just say something and expect him to follow it without holding him to it.  For example, “Z, please stop throwing that.”  And two throws later say it again.  I need to stop him and stick with time-out on the second throw or remove him from the situation, instead of say it again.  When I get down to his level and stop he responds. 

He’s not a bad kid, he just needs to be held accountable and re-directed more often. 

Sometimes, I need to be held accountable for not paying attention to the situation.  I can’t set him up for failure either.  

Also, he is now getting old enough to understand when he is doing something that’s not cool.  He is also getting good at telling me, “Mama, I have a feeling!”  Then we can talk about it.  It melts my heart every time.  Sometimes I need to just stop what I am doing.  Sometimes I need to ask him what’s up or what I can do, maybe just a hug or acknowledgment, instead of rely on him to come to me or figure it out.  He is three.

I’ll admit –I’ve never read a book about toddler discipline or behavior.  I rather shy away from parenting method books, but I actually would like to know if anyone recommends a child development book for parents (one that helps me to understand his little brain).  Or any book that you've read and why you recommend it.

I am grateful for my friends I’ve talked to, the ones that made a comment and the ones that messaged me.  Thank you.

(Deep sigh)  Wish me good luck and strength!

You Made Me Cry

I was so excited all week.  In the three years that Z has been on this planet I never asked anyone to do family portraits until a few weeks ago.  Today was the day my friend was coming over to do a little photo-shoot for us.

I didn't expect too much but I anticipated awesomeness and sillyness.  Just for fun, I imagined us being goofy outside, tickling, hugging, kissing each other and being, well, like we usually are.  I pictured in my head Z holding Bodhi and taking the cutest brother shots in front of the Christmas tree.  This was going to be fun and I'd end up with oodles of rad photos.

I bought a little Santa outfit for Bodhi and decided Z's new green plaid shirt would be cute with a pair of little dude jeans.  He decided to wear his little cowboy boots.  Perfect!  Hey, even I got to dress up for once!  I pulled out one of my favorite black skirts with a sheer layer embroidered with gold and sequins and a cute little black top.  I felt good.  I vacuumed the carpet slapped on a thin layer of lipstick with gold shimmer-the only make-up I own.  Then busted out some of my Grandmother's old fabric for a makeshift tree skirt.  Yay!

We were in the middle of playing when the doorbell rang.  We were in good spirits and had been all morning.  Z did have a little runny nose but nothing else.  Kids always have little runny noses.

She began setting up her stuff and Z was a little antsy.  I thought, oh, he'll calm down and get into it.  He loves being silly.  Nothing struck me as particularly odd.

We sit down in front of the tree and he just doesn't want to.  "Hey, you want to hold an ornament?"  No.  "You want to sit like this?"  No.  "Can you do this?!"  No.  "Look at this funny face!!  Can you make one!?"  No.  Hmmm.  He seemed to just want to be in control and do what he wanted.  Not too untypical but usually something gets him to play along eventually.  Try after try yielded nothing but a little frustration.  So she suggested we go sit outside since it was nice and cool.

We head outside and she plops down a cute little chair and shoots away as Z sits down.  Awesome!  This will work.  This will be fun.

Then she suggests he sits with Bodhi.  He doesn't want to.  I sit down and she gets a few shots and then I stood up.  For some reason Z got angry and threw her little chair and yelled something about not wanting to sit with Bodhi.  He broke the chair!!  I was so sad and obviously embarrassed.  I told him that was rude and it made me mad and sad.  If he didn't want to take pictures he could go sit on the porch.  I figured in a few minutes he'd want to come have fun.  I apologized.  As far as I'm concerned, whatever she says, I owe her a little chair!

We head to another spot in the yard and Z heads there with us.  Same problem.  He's not interested and starting to get rude.  She even tried to help pose him.  I got a car to play with thinking he'd like to hold it.  I had no perfect picture in mind, just us!  Car or not.

He runs off.  He screams that he doesn't want to.  No no no no no.  Nothing works.  He's just being rude, not silly at all.  Maybe I should have asked him to go sit on the porch again.

We take pictures of me and Bodhi.  He comes back.  Then leaves again.  Then repeats this a few times.  He doesn't want her little boy, D playing on his tractor.  D walks off like "fine, whatever."  Z refuses to have fun with us.

She decides to take some pictures of Bodhi on an awesome old sheepskin my Aunt gave me while I talked with Z.  I just wanted him to have fun with us.  I was confused.  I didn't want to over-think it, but I couldn't figure it out or what was going on in his little head.  I really didn't want him to be so rude or mad.  And I wanted pictures.  But I wanted them to be fun pictures.  Not coerced and like he had to.

I bribed him with a surprise, hot chocolate and finally opening a present to get him into take a picture in front of the tree.

We get in and he wants to open the present immediately.  Yeah, I bet!  He finally understands that that is the prize for the picture.  Geez, I just did that?  Yes, I did.  We got the pictures but he wasn't as happy as I had hoped about the whole thing.

Just before she left, we planned on getting together another time to hang out again.  All was good between us.

We walked inside and I teared up.  Z just didn't care about how I felt and that made me more sad and I started to get angry.  "I want my hot cocoa!!!  You said I could have hot cocoa!!"  I told him I did say that so please take off his boots and sit down and I'd get it ready.  I told him I was sad he broke her chair and he was rude.  I told him I was mad about the way he acted.  The only reason he was getting hot cocoa was because I said he could but I didn't think he deserved it.  I refuse to be a liar.

He sat down to have a snack and hot cocoa and Bodhi fell asleep.  I laid him down and came back to Z.  I was still pretty pissed off but he said he was cold and wanted me to hold him.  It seemed to be his way of making nice.  So we cuddled and he fell asleep.  He was tired.  He had over-stressed himself out for some reason.

Maybe it was the runny nose.  Maybe it was being three.  Maybe it was asking him to do so many things.  Maybe it was being a new brother.  Maybe it was me.  Who really knows.  I wish I did though.

Today was just different.  It really bothers me when he gets rude.  And by rude I don't mean doesn't cooperate and do what I say.  I mean showing a total lack of respect towards me and being mean.  I mean throwing things out of anger.  I mean saying rude things.

It's not about me controlling him.  It's about finding a happy medium.  Today I couldn't do it and I felt like a total failure.  He made me feel like an asshole because I was so mad at him.  I wanted to yell.  But if I overreact and yell it makes it worse.

I feel lost when it comes to discipline.  Maybe that's a lot of the problem.  I wasn't disciplined a lot as a kid.  I just want to for him to learn more self control.  (Yes, I realize he's three but not all kids seem to get as rude as he can, or am I imagining that?)  The only way he will is through me, really us and the adults in his life too.  I firmly believe in do as I do is the only way to teach.  Not do as I say.

All in all, I figure that not over-reacting is best.  I suppose by being a role model and showing him how to handle stress peacefully and speaking to him kindly and patiently is all I can do for now.  Every now and then time-outs are in order too.  But I wonder every day if I'm doing enough and hope that he can grow out of this pissy little phase.

I'd love to hear from you.
What are your experiences with three year olds?
What do you expect of a three year old?
What do you do differently?